TSA and Comedy Hour

We’ve seen this new TSA Regulation controversy from every aspect, but how would a conservative comedian view the whole deal? Wonder no more as what is wondered becomes reality….

Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen, and as we are five stories up you will all now be subjected to a body pat down to ensure my safety! What they are looking for are the usual things comedians fear: audience barbs, tomatoes and all types of fruit, and of course the long cane. Seriously folks, hasn’t this whole thing created quite the stir? Man, it seems everyone is getting in on this.

In fact, not to be lost out of the limelight, Pres. Clinton has volunteered to help the TSA grope, I mean pat down, female passengers, female flight attendants, cleaning ladies, whoever is deemed to be a threat. Of course, Clinton backed off when he found out it was men patting down men…

To ensure equal time, Barney Frank has also volunteered to work for the TSA in helping to conduct the pat downs. As a man of the people and being a public servant, he is also willing to be subjected to pat downs even when he is not flying. Yeah… Okay.

As part of the whole deal, the training for these new duties required some unique training techniques to simulate the real things. So, TSA agents were ordered to fan out to all local grocery stores and spend time in the produce department feeling and patting down fruit. I gotta tell you, there wasn’t a tomato that felt safe in the whole country.

To make a hard job harder, the South African track star Caster Semenya, whose gender is in question has to do double duty and go through both the male and female line. Wow, what a deal.

Let me tell you that I feel real safer on my flight when I know that the 90 year old nun with rheumatoid arthritis and poor eye sight sitting next to me has been patted down and scanned. On a personal note, it must be reassuring to her to know that all her parts are still there.

I think the TSA is missing the boat here. In fact, they should be offering passengers a chance to buy their own scans after the flight. You know kind of like how they do at Disney when you get done with the water rafting ride? Heck, it could help pay down the national debt!

The TSA really is the gift that keeps on giving…look at the material it gave me for tonight’s monologue! We’ll be right back.